Dear Santa

December 15, 2008 

Dear Santa,

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been extra special good this year, even taking on some of your work load… by stuffing as many stockings as I can. So it’s with great admiration and what I’m sure is mutual respect that I humbly submit to you my Christmas list for this year. And bro, if you have a sec, wake me up -- I’d really like to talk to you about how you sneak out of so many women’s houses undetected. I’m good, but I’m not that good.

Happy Holidays,

Barney Stinson

P.S. I left you a glass of twelve-year-old single malt. Milk? Let’s get serious, bro.

Bingo!

January 19, 2009 

"Every year I take the top 25 party schools and arrange them on a bingo card. The rules are simple*: Sleep with a collegiate hottie then mark her school on the board. Bingo = five in a row in any direction – up, down, across, upside down, missionary, etc."

*following prerequisites must be met for Bingo

1. Students must be currently enrolled. Don’t think you can knock Florida off your list just by visiting a strip club in Gainsville.

2. Spring break acquisitions may NOT be applied toward your Bingo sheet. This is supposed to be a challenge.

3. Students shall have completed one credit hour of a foreign language.

4. College mascots / members of the dance team will be considered invalid.

5. Student must be attending university in person – “getting a degree” online does not count in the same way that “having sex” online does not count.

6. Any conquests achieved during a 24 hour period following that school’s college world series win, NCAA basketball tournament triumph, or BCS bowl victory will be considered null and void.

7. Have fun!

Italian Leather Clad Foot in the Door

February 2, 2009 

"Check out the most awesome résumé ever! www.barneysvideoresume.com

Dear Sir or Madam but probably Sir:

As a CEO of a multi-national corporation and/or beloved dictator of a small but oil-rich nation, you've undoubtedly felt the need to surround yourself with an awesome, handsome right-hand man. Your search is over. I am a natural fit for your right hand.

I, Barney Stinson, recognize that you are a man (or woman, I guess) with precious free time. You cannot afford to comb though the stack of tree-killing, archaic paper résumés that have inundated your office or luxury yacht because as a… human… of great power and influence, you don't have time to read. As such, I proudly yet humbly present to you my video résumé:"

www.barneysvideoresume.com